Early season ‘certainties’ for the Atlanta Braves

Mar 31, 2014; Milwaukee, WI, USA; Bernie Brewer carries Hank the Brewer dog during before game against the Atlanta Braves of an opening day baseball game at Miller Park. The Milwaukee Brewers adopted the dog during spring training. Mandatory Credit: Benny Sieu-USA TODAY Sports

BJ Upton is terr…

No. Sample size bias is the important concept that rushing to judgment about a situation without a sufficient sample size can often lead to faulty conclusions. Yes, BJ Upton is the only Atlanta Braves starter without a hit this season and he was quite bad last season. In spite of this, two games isn’t nearly enough of a sample size to determine if BJ has any chance of turning things around in 2014. There are, however, some key issues for which we do have enough of a sample size to draw some real conclusions.

Bobby Cox’s all time ejection record has joined Cy Young’s all time wins total and Joe DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak as one of baseball’s most unbreakable records. The new replay system basically takes away all reason for a protracted confrontation of the sort Bobby used to enjoy. Challenge the call or go back in the dugout and shut up. Ejections as a whole should decline drastically with replay now an option for managers and Bobby’s prestigious record should be safe forever.

The SportSouth tv graphics on the screen are awful. They are hard to discern and counter-intuitive. Something that was not broken was fixed with a horribly colored graphic that does not make it easy to see the count, outs, or whether any runners are on base. It’s terrible.

Hank the dog is awesome. The Braves first opponent the Milwaukee Brewers adopted a stray dog during Spring Training and his name is Hank. He is adorable and the best mascot in baseball and no further data is needed to determine this. Just look at that face!

Jordan Schafer grew a spectacularly absurd bowl cut over the offseason and should be fined if he ever attempts to cut it. Marginal players like Schafer are most useful when they have a specific, go-to skill that a manager can exploit when convenient. Schafer has always brought good speed that makes him valuable as long as he isn’t asked to do things he isn’t good at (like hit, play defense, not get arrested). But now, Schafer’s value to the club has doubled with the addition of his hysterical hair. Schafer can not only be used as a pinch runner he can also be asked by Fredi Gonzalez to defuse any tense clubhouse situations by simply removing his helmet and allowing his flowing locks to roam free. The intense laughter that will emit from anybody in the vicinity will serve as a tension reliever and will likely be worth 10 or 20 wins in clubhouse chemistry alone this season.

Freddie Freeman is slow. More data is needed to determine whether third base coach Doug Dascenzo is going to be hilariously incompetent all season. However, what is utterly certain is that Freddie Freeman is one of the slowest baserunners on the Braves and should not be waved home on plays when the shortstop has the ball as Freeman rounds third. In fact, Freeman probably needs a stop sign on any play in which an opponent has already fielded the ball even if that fielder has the ball at the wall. Freeman should only try to score from first on home runs and plays in which the outfielder chasing the ball has “Harper’d” himself into the wall and is unconscious.

Jason Heyward is your lord and savior. Amen.